Catholic humor..

[Sandman]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold..'
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that stuff with me again."

[Dave Grubb]

[Kevin]

A Franciscan, a Dominican and a Jesuit were taking a walk. Suddenly, there is a manifestation of the Holy Family, gathered about the manger, at the birth of Jesus.

The Franciscan falls to his knees, humbled by the material poverty but spiritual richness.
The Dominican falls to his knees, awed by the example of family bonds blessed by God.
The Jesuit walks up to Joseph and whispers in his ear "So, have you given any thought about where you'd like to send the lad to school? Hmmm?"

[Dave Grubb]

Now that is a bit of an esoteric joke Kevin

[Kevin]

Huh. No one has ever accused me of being esoteric before...

An atheist visits Belfast and sees everything divided along sectarian grounds. Catholic bake shops, Protestant bake shops, etc. He walks up to a police officer and asks "OK, I'm an atheist. I don't believe in God. Where can I get something to eat?" So the police scratches his chin and asks "Would that be the Catholic God you don't believe in, or the Protestant God?"

An American leaves a Belfast pub late at night. He hears the hammer of a pistol being cocked behind him and a voice asks "Are you Catholic or Protestant?" In a flash of inspiration, he says "Neither!! I'm Jewish!!" The voice behind him exclaims "I must be the luckiest Palestinian in all Ireland!!"

A man and his fiancee are out driving and are killed in a wreck. They stand before the pearly gates and ask St. Peter, "Can we get married up here? It is the one thing we wanted before we died." "Wait here, I'll ask around," St. Peter says. Three months later, he comes back and says "Yes, you can." The couple says "Just in case it doesn't work out, can we get a divorce if we need to?" St. Peter gets red in the face and shouts "It took me three months to find a priest up here!! You know how long it will take to find a LAWYER???"

At catechism, a child is unable to understand the concept of infinity, so he prays to God for understanding of such huge ideas. He prays and asks God "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God says "A million years is but a second to Me."
The child says "How much is a million dollars to you?"
God says "A million dollars to me is like but a penny."
The child says "Please, give me a million dollars!"
God replies "No problem. Just give me a second..."

The Pope is being chauffeured across Rome in his limo and thinks to himself. "Y'know, I'm the Pope and it is all work work work. Mario, stop the limo. I'm driving today!" So he jumps behind the wheel and zooms off, pedal to the metal. The Carabineri pull him over for speeding but no tickets are issued. The police chief questions "why didn't you write the ticket?" "Well, chief, he seemed pretty important, so I let him go with a warning." "Important? Who was he? The Prime Minister? The UN Secretary General? The President of the United States? Who was so important?" "I dunno, but he was being chauffeured by the Pope so I figured I better let him go!"

The Pope dies and stands before St. Peter, who asks him his name. "I'm the Pope!" "Never heard of him. Let me ask in the back room." So St. Peter heads to the back room and says "Jesus, there's someone at the front door, says he's the Pope or something, would you mind?" So Jesus gets up, heads to the pearly gates and comes back ten minutes later, laughing, saying "Hey, Dad, you remember that fishing club I started way back when? Well, it is still going!"

[Kevin]

A man dies and stands before St. Peter. When asked what he did in life, he says "I was a carpenter." "Wait here, we have special orders for all carpenters" says St. Peter and heads off to find Jesus. Jesus comes back and says "You were a carpenter?"

"Yes, I was. And I once had a little boy, very special"
Jesus gets interested and says "Did he have any identifying marks?"
"Yes, he had holes in his hands and his feet"
Jesus whispers "Dad?"
The man whispers back "Pinocchio?"

[Dave Grubb]

How do Catholics make holy water?

They boil the hell out of it.

Q: How can you tell if someone is half-Catholic and half-Jewish?
A: He never misses confession but always takes his lawyer

Q: Where is the first math problem mentioned in the bible?
A: When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

[Mike]

Y'all are doing great! Keep it going!

[Honda]

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.

[Truckman]

A priest was driving and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Father, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest, fingers crossed.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Praise be to God! He’s done it again!”

...Ben

[Dave Grubb]

A drunk man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in the confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies "No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either.”



What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.


Why do Catholics make so much money with stocks and cryptocurrency?
Because they have perfected when to pull out.

(of course they do!)

What do you call Catholics that practice the rhythm method of birth control?
Parents

[Flaco]

What do you call Catholics that practice the rhythm method of birth control?
Parents

i'm suddenly having a flashback of fozzy the bear from the muppet show trying to sing "i got rhythm"


in edit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32j8M5G1f8o

[Truckman]

i'm suddenly having a flashback of fozzy the bear from the muppet show trying to sing "i got rhythm"

I could never get past the memory of Linda Ronstadt in her Little Bo Peep outfit singing the Roy Orbison song, Blue Bayou......Ben

[Kevin]

I never noticed. I was so in love with her voice, I never saw what she was wearing. The heartbreak and longing in that song - she could have been wearing a burlap sack for all I cared.

[UTAH]

Excellent work, my friends.

I think I was in love with Linda at some point in my Elementary school years. She's now 75 and living in Tucson.

She may simply ascend as she transitions into the next stanza of existence.

Hunter