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Without further delay, here is the (definitely very real) draft of President Trump’s letter to that other guy, Joe Whatshisname:
Dear LOSER!!
Welcome to the White House, you sleepy dope. I am leaving not because you beat me but because I choose to stop being president because I have already been THE BEST president in American history. Many have said that. I hear it all the time, people say, “Sir, there has never been a president like you.”
And I know they’re right. I’ve accomplished more than any president in history, and I remain incredibly popular and everyone loves me, especially my late father. And also Lindsey Graham. Just ask him, he tells me that all the time. He’s a total loser, but he knows a good president when he sees one. By the way, I left a file about him in the desk here. It contains … some things, if you know what I mean. Just wave it around if you ever need to get him to do something for you. He’s like a trained dog.
Anyway, back to all the things I’ve done that you will never match, and it won’t even be close.
I built the big, beautiful wall to keep out the bad hombres. Nobody called them bad hombres before I did. I came up with that, and people love it. It was so smart. Some slobs said it was racist, but they’re racist. I’m the least racist person I’ve ever met. By far.
But yes, I built the wall. Some will say there are still hundreds of miles of open border, but I haven’t seen them so they doesn’t exist. FAKE NEWS!
We have our great Trump wall, and do you know who’s paying for that wall? Do you? Because actually, I don’t. I kept sending the contractor bills in an envelope clearly marked “MEXICO!” but it just kept getting returned. Good luck with that.
Speaking of bills, I’m gonna need you to pay Rudy Giuliani for me. He’s a great American patriot and represented me in all this RIGGED ELECTION stuff. He did a terrible job, frankly. I told him to find me fraud and he didn’t find a thing, even though I know it’s out there because that guy from the pillow company told me it is.
Anyway, pay Rudy. The bill is in the desk by that file of stuff on Lindsey.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I accomplished so much. We have our great, great health care plan, which I’ll be releasing in two weeks. It will be better than that disastrous Obamacare you idiots came up with. So that’s coming up soon, since I can still technically be president if I want to, since I won, by a lot, and you lost. I beat you in a landslide, you know that’s true.
Some losers in the media keep saying I should just say you won. They say crazy stuff, like that I’m “fomenting violence.” What does “fomenting” even mean? I gotta ask Jared.
Speaking of Jared, can you give him a job? That would be a good way to unify the country, and frankly, I can’t stand the kid. Creepy looking. I just had him around to keep Ivanka happy. Isn’t she beautiful? Not sure what she sees in that skinny weirdo, but whatever.
Now look, I know you’re going to screw up everything I’ve done, and I want you to know this: I don’t care. I just want to get down to Mar-a-Lago and keep bilking money from these rubes I sold hats to. So how about you give me a big pardon? Not that I’ve done anything wrong, but just in case. You give me a pardon, I’ll give you nothing and we’ll call it even, deal?
I had Stephen Miller draw up the pardon papers. They’re in that same drawer with the wall bills and the Lindsey dirt … sorry, I mean “information.”
Oh, speaking of Miller, there might be bags of human hair stashed in a few places. We tried to find them all, but he’s pretty sneaky.
Good luck, dummy.
NOT!
— STILL President Donald J. Trump
